Watch those peacock feathers fly

  I'm sure that many people could tell an interesting story or two about their mother, and I'm no different.  A recent happening inspired me to dedicate a post to my mother.  But before I mention the most recent story, I'll give some background.

  My mother has always had a lot of personality that is hard to suppress.  As I'm sure you've noticed, there are people who are pleasant but generic, and then there are people who really stand out and never seem to have uninteresting days.  The latter would be my mother.  She has a lot of attitude--but not in a bitchy way, she simply just doesn't take any crap. 

  Before she birthed me, she worked as a waitress at a southern place called Hal & Mal's.  There was a regular who came in probably once or twice a week, and he had told her that one day he, being a writer, would make a character to reflect her.  He brought a friend in once who had never been to Hal & Mal's, and he was kinda whiny.  He started off by attempting to order some bread pudding, asking my mother if it was any good.  "It's the best bread pudding in the south, sir," my mother said.  He said, "Does it have any raisins?  'Cause I hate raisins.  I once had bread pudding with raisins and it turned my stomach.  It better not have any raisins."  My mother responded with "Sir, if you find a raisin in your bread pudding, it ain't a raisin.  Now can I get you a bowl?"  Lulz were had.  She was a southern-style Flo.  She has also done many crazy things that we like to relive often.  Like the time a certain fast food place that has a redhead as the mascot, they gave her the wrong sandwich and refused to exchange it.  She went and sat down in defeat, and then decided she wasn't going to eat the damn sandwich, so she threw the sandwich toward the kitchen, catching the top of the door frame, causing mayonnaise and lettuce flak to spray into the kitchen.  Good times indeed.

  Her most recent endeavor has been an online dating site.  It's pretty entertaining to see her get excited about all the men that are interested in her.  "195 new matches!!" is something she liked to shout out.  She started off by reading all the advice columns on the site, trying to get an edge.  That was a month ago, but by now she's lost her enthusiasm.  Upon seeing a headline that read Do you know what men want?  Find out what they really want., my mother said "Huh...I don't give a shit what they want."  But hope is not lost, for she has found a friend in a southern gentleman...a very southern gentleman.  Cowboy hat, boots, jeans, and he owns 35 head of cattle and works as a trucker.  She was very tickled with him, and after she showed me a message he left on her phone, I can see why.  I'll give you a sample in southern format so you can get an idea of how he talks.  The message starts with Vury pretty...vury pretty.  Lawng legs, pretty blon' hair.  You the only woman in <state> that makes the peacock feathers fly!  Lord have mercuh, lemmuh say it again.  You the only woman in <state> that makes the peacock feathers fly!  That's a complemunt, not a come on.  Yeah, you try not to giggle when you hear it.

  That's all for now, but I'm proud that I've never once felt embarrassed with either of my parents.  I'm fortunate to actually have cool parents.  I certainly never take them for granted.

   Forgive any grammar/spelling errors, I'm tired of taking half an hour on posts trying to make sure it's perfect.  I'm not writing a novel.

I'm not sure if I want this...irregardless of the consequences.

  So this LPN program I'm enrolled in sucks a bag of dicks.  It's uber boring and the more I learn about the job itself, the less I want to do it.  I'm not trying to sound high and mighty, but I'm better than having some dumb-assed RN who barely scraped by tell me how much better they are and how I have to do what they say.  If I wanted that, I could join the military.  I'll try to make it through this semester, but if I still feel the same way at the end of it as I do now, I'm quitting and trying something else.  I honestly don't care about having some high-powered career, just as long as I make enough money for myself and enjoy the work.  If I can manage that, I'll be happy with my life.  Especially if it's a job that I don't have to work 60 hours a week at or something.  I need free time to waste on things like this blog.

  I'm not sure about my instructors either.  One is a Twatasaurus Rex, and the other is nice enough, but repeats herself all the time.  And they both say irregardless.  Fucking shudder!  I don't know who or what gave them the idea that irregardless is a real word, but it's not.  According to my Webster's Universal College Dictionary, irregardless is incorrect, and the definition is listed simply as regardless.  Irregardless is bullshit.  It's a double negative, like saying "I don't know nothing."  Sure, they may know medicine, but apparently English isn't their strong suit.  It's like a white suede suit.  You know, the ones that some black guys wear and it makes them look like a shit-mummy.  Or those powder blue prom tuxedos with the ruffles. *Cringe*

  The plus side is that I am learning how to take vital signs and how to cover my ass, because apparently that's all I'll be doing--making sure a person isn't dead and that I don't get sued.  As I've said before, I'm in the program with my lovely girlfriend.  She's hilarious, and gave me this insight into one class we took last week on the ethics chapter.  The instructor went on about different horror stories of ethical and legal violations, and everyone was Mmm-hmming and gasping.  My girlfriend told me afterwards, "It was like an episode of Maury in there.  Everyone was going 'Jayzus!' and 'MMM! Sweet Jesus!'."

  Yeah...there was a lot we learned in that chapter.  I guessed that writing a prescription for a patient's family member under the patient's name would be illegal--which it is--but I did not know that even taking someone else's 'scrip is illegal, even if it's only an antibiotic.  And according to twat face, "If I catch any of you doing something like that, you will be removed from the program and face charges, and then I'll personally beat you with my dangly tits and rape you with a dildo when you're in prison and open my thoracic cavity and the parietal pericardium and cryogenically freeze your soul with the chill of my heart like on Terminator 2 when they froze the liquid metal dude and then knocked him to bits."  ...True story.

The Hate Group

  Despite what I say/type sometimes, I'm really a nice person.  I just bitch and moan about things as a hobby...and I hate people as a hobby.  It's not like I truly hate them, it's just a fun-loving, teasing kind of hate.  I guess that's why I like Louis CK so much.  I can relate to a lot of his views--not all, but a lot.  I also pick out people to hate when I'm waiting in line at various places.  It helps pass the time.  The grocery store is the usual place for me to start seething with hatred.  I usually target the method of payment people choose.  Like when some prick whips out a checkbook.  I sit there thinking That's right, caveman, chisel your signature into that slab like it's the fuckin' Stone Age.  I hope he gets gored by some horned beast.  Not like I'm in a hurry to go home and jerk off.  Don't you know that we're trying to save trees around here?  Pay with cash or debit and go the hell home.

  Another thing I don't get is when people pay for packs of gum or something with credit cards.  Whitey McCrackerson here is so afraid of being mugged by a black guy that he refuses to carry any money in his pocket and instead pays with credit.  What he doesn't realize is that he's being silently mugged by his card company because he's paying 15% interest on Strident.  And it holds up the line with him waiting to be approved and having to sign off on it and everything.

  Good news, though.  The dog I posted about previously has found a home.  My neighbor really liked her and decided to adopt her, which is fine with me.  I know he'll take care of her.

What am I going to do with you?

Today started out rather odd.  As I go outside to get into my car, I notice that there's a pink shoe behind the rear bumper, and I think to myself why is there a shoe behind my car? Followed immediately by the thought Why is there a dog behind my car?  This girl was just hanging around when I went outside.  After taking some pictures and googling it, I found out that she's a Grand Bleu de Gascogne...thing.  From the looks of it, she's been abandoned.  No collar, and she has three wounds.  Two have healed up almost completely, but one has a couple of cracks in the scab that are oozing yellow shit.  If she had a collar and the wounds, I would assume she's lost.  But nobody would go to the trouble to get a purebred dog and then not get a collar for it and let it run away.

  I don't know why anyone would abandon a dog like this though..she seems about a year old, give or take a couple of months.  She is also very sweet and didn't even turn a hostile eye towards my cat or my yorkshire terrier Teddy.  She doesn't seem stupid either, which can be plenty reason to get rid of a dog.  Of course I'd always put it up for rescue, never just toss it out of my car and wish it luck.

  I'm now debating what to do with it.  I can't take care of another animal, not only because of money but because I won't have the time to walk her or play with her.  I would put up missing dog signs, but as I said, she's probably been abandoned and the only people who'd claim her are those who'd lie just to get their hands on a good dog and possibly mistreat her.

  I think I'll sleep on it.

I've been Touched.

So, it looks like I'm officially in the LPN program and I'll start Monday.  Because of that, I now have an iPod Touch.  I didn't really want to get one in the first place because I don't need Jobs' flashy technology to ruin my life grumble mumble...but it's not that bad.  I suppose I really do need it because of this program, and it seems to be pretty neat so far...I'm still not impressed though *glares*. 

  I had a second orientation tonight with my "main support person".  It was mainly a foreboding message regarding how grueling and time-consuming the program is, how marriages and jobs have been lost, and how we'll crack under the stress without a network of people supporting us. Also, apparently, our pets will starve to death because we won't have time to take 2 minutes to pour food into their bowls.  Ice caps will break off and melt and the ocean level will rise until we're underwater and have to evolve a set of gills and eat plankton and shit.  You know, usual things you encounter when you have to study a lot.  At least they don't sugar-coat it.  And they gave out pizza, diet coke, and white macadamia nut cookies *mouth waters*.  They must have a file on me.  It was a friendly atmosphere around the place, though.  I figured it would be a boring lecture with a lot of tight-assed rules about not even breathing too loudly.

   I guess that's all I got for this post.  I really need to work on a better closing statement or signature.  Perhaps something wacky like "I'm outta here!  Homers are for suckers!" or something heartfelt angry like "Piss on this, I'll never blog again!"  Except I will, because that's what the point of this blog is.  Bonus points if you can find the reference to a comic in this post.

I'm Feelin' Froggy

Lately I've had no classes to take or anything, so that leaves me to sit at home boredom-eating.  I swear, it's like I'm either extremely busy or have nothing to do at all, which isn't good for me.  I'm recovering from years of non-functioning, so if I don't have something to do each day, I don't feel motivated to do anything.  I'm starting to feel like Foul Bachelor Frog.

  I did get accepted into a nursing program though...I'll know if I'm officially in within a few days when they get my paperwork verified.  That'll be dandy.  Healin' people and shit, making them feel all healthy and whatnot....yep.  Only mildly concerned about completing the program.  Anytime I start to worry, I just think about how freakin' stupid some of the people are who end up being nurses.  I'm more concerned with the bureaucracy.  The rules of this program are tighter than an owl's ass.  I had to email the instructor and forewarn her that I have some kinda quirk where I laugh when I learn new things about the body.  I first discovered it when I was around 8 years old and my mother told me how muscles become stronger and I started shaking uncontrollably.  It's not that I find it funny, I just start shaking with silent laughter for no reason.  I made sure she knew that so I wouldn't get booted for being "disrespectful".

  With hope, I'll be seeing my wonderful girlfriend tomorrow.  Without her, I'm sure I'd be foul bachelor frog personified at all times.  Perhaps we'll finally see that documentary we've been planning on watching.  I look forward to seeing how her dog Jack will be dealt with.  Punk-ass bit me when I was trying to put him up so he wouldn't bite the cable guys, isn't that ironic?  I started off trying to get him by the collar before he snapped, so I grabbed his mouth and held it shut before he could get me, but he slipped out and got my hand a bit, so I kicked him in the lungs as hard as I could twice....I haven't seen him since except for one time when I went over there the next day....he promptly hid in the bushes.  Smart dog.

  I may get a burst of inspiration for my blogging soon.  It'll give me a healthy outlet and perhaps interest a few people.  Interesting things are sure to happen once I start the program.  Until next time...

Just pretend it's the 22nd.

  I've been meaning to post something about George Carlin, considering the anniversary of his death was recent, but I've been busy.  So just pretend it's June 22, 2011.

  It's been 3 years since George Carlin died of heart failure after surviving 3 previous heart attacks.  When I heard of Carlin's death, it was the first time I'd ever felt sad about a celebrity dying.  My usual reaction is to just think Well, shit happens.  It made me sad because I had to deal with depression (still do, sometimes) for most of my life and when I found an online radio station that played comedy tracks (Go, Social Crime Radio!), it really helped me.  I would look forward to tuning in every day to yuk it up.  I became a comedy connoisseur, if you will.  I began mentally sorting which comedian/ennes were most suited to my sense of humor.  One day I came across one of Carlin's HBO specials and could not stop laughing.  I started looking forward to more of his material and later managed to get every special he's recorded.  I loved his to-the-point humor and observations on silly language and euphemisms that I had always questioned when I was younger.  I ended up updating Urban Dictionary with a couple of words from his Incomplete list of impolite words.  I could go on about how much joy it brought me to listen to not only his humor, but that of Louis C.K., Patton Oswalt, Robert Schimmel, Maria Bamford, Ricky Gervais, Eddie Izzard, and many others, but instead I'll just give you a few tips to keep people on their toes:

• Go into a gift shop and ask for your gift
• Next time you're at the photo mat, ask if you can buy the pictures of the other people. "How much for that heavy-set couple in the window?"
• Stand in line at the bank for a really long time, and when you finally get up to the teller, just ask for change of a nickel
• Go to the cleaners.  Ask the man if he can take the stain out of one pair of pants and put it in another.
• Go into a laundry, hand them a shirt and ask them to rotate the buttons.
• Go into a bakery and ask them if they can bake a cake in the shape of a penis.
• Next time you're at a wishing well, ask for the manager.  Say "I've been coming here for years and none of my wishes have come true.  Either you give me my money back, or I'm shittin' in the well!"
• In a bar, if someone asks if they can buy you a drink, say "No, but can I have the money instead?"
• Back out of a drive-in bank
• Walk up to someone and say "Pardon me, I have nothing to say!"
• If someone asks you what time it is, say "Well...it's either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on."

  I haven't tried all of these yet, but I recently I did have to buy some ammunition.  As the woman was ringing it up, I asked "Say, while I'm at it...where are your ski masks?"  She didn't think it was as funny as I did...