Sunday, April 17, 2011

Southern Hospitality

  Living in the southern U.S., I often get stereotyped for being dumb, drunken, and poor (and for some reason, most people believe southerners don't have shoes...), but there's at least one thing I do like about my community: If someone invites you to a party or to your house, they make damn sure you have a good time.

  I went to a crawfish boil at my neighbor's house for their daughter's twenty-hrmmrmrm birthday, and grabbed a plate of crawfish.  I was asked at least 5 times if I was satisfied with the food and that I was comfortable and so on.  It made me feel very welcome, of course, but after the 6th time, I was saying "Yes, it's very delicious."  While I was actually thinking Yes, it's fuckin tasty as hell, why would I shovel crappy food into my mouth?  Perhaps they want to make sure I'm not just being polite, which is like a code of honor around here.  I wanted to get a second plate but I didn't want to impose or seem greedy, because even though most people have decent manners, I'm perhaps too mannerly and reserved.  I tentatively reached over to get another plate when Junior, the head of the household and posterboy for rednecks, urged me on.  "Go 'head n' git some them damn crawfish! Whya using ya hands?  Here, take this plate n' scoop it up like that.  Hell yeah, now ya cookin' with the gas on," said he.  While I do understand what he said just fine, I have this internal translator that kicks on when I talk to my people.  The translated version of what he said to me was, "Don't be timid, I certainly don't mind you taking your fill of our delicious food, and might I suggest you use this empty plate as a scooping device?  It's far more efficient than using your hands to get the boiled crustaceans onto your dish.  That's the ticket, old boy."  Perhaps that is a bit of an exaggeration, but I'm sure you understand my version a bit better.

  The gist of the story is that while I don't necessarily blend in with the other people in my neighborhood, and I certainly don't love everything about the south,  I still do appreciate having a neighbor that I can trust and enjoy, and that will always welcome me like family.........It wouldn't hurt for some of you to drop the prejudices about southern people, either.  One woman at the party wasn't wearing shoes..but she was eating, then she had to leave and she put on some damn shoes, so take that.

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Loathsome Lexicon

I'm sure there are plenty of you out there with words or phrases that irk you.  I certainly do, and so for my entertainment (and to see if anyone shares my dislikes), I've compiled a list of words and phrases that make me want to vomit.  Feel free to add to this loathsome list.
  • Hubby
  • Just joshing you
  • Humdinger
  • Overuse of the word "like"
  • Squash
  • Fartblossom
  • Dumpling
  • Fabulous
  • Saying "That's hilarious" when it really only induces a chuckle or two--I'll explain this one.  Once you say "That's hilarious" about something that is really only a tiny bit funny, you've basically limited yourself verbally.  The next time you see something that's truly hilarious, what will you say?  That's right, nothing.  People tend to overuse superlatives all the time and it's rather irritating...anyways...
  • Umpteenth
  • Cougar
  • News articles that mention the "secret" to something (e.g. Weight loss, ripped body, etc.)
  • Calling me "Bro" when I'm not your mother fuckin' brother.
  • Referring to women as "bitches", regardless of whether it's an appropriate title or not.
  • Explaining obsession with kids as "Well, I just love my children!"  No shit, Sherlock.  Big fuckin' whoop, you love your children.  You're supposed to love your children.  You want an attaboy cookie or something?
  • Tinkle
  • Rural--and no, it's not because I can't say it! *shifty eyes*
  • omg and actually saying "omg" aloud because you're too lazy to speak like a normal person
  • PIN number...if you can't figure out why that phrase sucks, then you suck.
  • ATM machine--See above.
  • FedEx Express.
      I do realize that some of these are closer to pet peeves than words, but they include words and phrases so it counts.  That concludes the list for now, but there will almost certainly be a part two...and perhaps a Lovely Lexicon as well, full of words and phrases I do like, just to prove that I'm not completely grouchy.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Idol hands...

So I read this article about the absolutely offensive remark by James Durbin on American Idol.  I just have to say that people are too sensitive these days.  All he did was make a joke about Michael Jackson's hair catching on fire during a Pepsi commercial in 1984...which is hilarious.  But apparently Michael's poor, tragedy-stricken family got all offended and so were wiping tears away with Benjamins because apparently James was taking a stab at Michael Jackson and dragging his good name and reputation through the dirt *cough*.

    A family representative was quoted saying, "We were shocked to see this. It's nothing to make light of and everybody should be focusing on who was responsible for Michael's death."  Are you freakin serious?  What's funny is that "news" articles like those make it out as if the public is outraged, when really only a few douchebags who want more attention get offended by it.  I thought the quip was hilarious and so did a lot of people apparently, based on the comments on the story.

    It was funny, however, watching Ryan Seacrest swoop in and say "American Idol sponsors Coke."  Or something like that...I can't be bothered doing more than copying and pasting a quote and it wasn't in the text, it was in the video.  Either way, it was funny watching the awkwardness from him. 

  And just to show that it really is funny when somebody's hair catches on fire, I've included this cute picture.  Yuk it up.